She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
