I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize