So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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