He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I have aggressive nipples.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
