i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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