No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
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