we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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