Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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