Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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