The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
please come you make the beer taste better
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Sober January is a disaster.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
