You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
