I feel great
I just peed on a car
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
