last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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