I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
