So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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