I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
