You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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