I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
