GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
