I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
