Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
These tits shall not be calmed
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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