I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize