allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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