I hate your face
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Randomize
