I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
