hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
