apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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