I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
