He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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