i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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