so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
