I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
