you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
