...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
I need to stop coming to work sober
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
