I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Randomize