Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
