Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
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