So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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