There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
