so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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