I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
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