I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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