wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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