seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Randomize
