I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
