I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
