Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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