Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
