my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
