If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Randomize
