can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
