So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
