So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
