I feel great
I just peed on a car
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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