I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
